Reminiscent of Sin
by ImaginAries
Summary: (Rating for language and bloody violence) Cho Hakkai can't sleep and reminisces about his past. (; just read please, I'm corny with the summaries, really...)


-Author's Note- This is a one-shot Hakkai fan fic- read at your own discretion, as it has some spoilers (if you're not quite that far in Saiyuki, you know...read at your own risk. And why haven't you seen all of Saiyuki yet, dangit?!). I had to take a small break from writing my longer Saiyuki fic (Saiyuki: An Unlikely Story) so to all those awaiting it, please be patient, it's on its way soon enough ;

Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all of the characters do not belong to me, they belong to the wonderful Minekura Kazuya-san, and shall always be so no matter how we whine and complain. I'm making no profit from this, just had to give a piece of Hakkai from the depths of my own twistedly warped mind. enjoy!

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

He couldn't sleep. Sleep, ever so rebellious, refused to bless him. His mind churned with untamed thoughts running rampant, bouncing here, there, up, down, never stopping. Never ceasing. He just...wanted to sleep.

Lightning illuminated the darkness of his room.

If only it could shed light on the darkness of his thoughts.

He waited...and then it came, as expected. The rumbling aftermath of the crackling knife that split the sky. The hand of God shook the inn, shaking his room, shaking, shaking, shaking so menacingly, so accusingly, and so ruefully.

His reflection appeared pale and rain streaked in the thin glass, twin pools of emerald staring in return. What did they look for? What did they see? Those eyes...the eyes of a sinner.

No matter what name he took, those eyes would never change.

He knew that.

The others knew it too.

No matter how many times he feigned a smile, or spoke calmly to diffuse an argument, or pretended to be the kind one with a heart of gold...   
...those eyes were his. They'd always be there to haunt him. To taunt him...to remind him of the horrors...oh the horrors...of sins committed to the worst degree. They were his sins. They were his faults. His burdens to carry on until Death took him in his last breath.

Alone. He was always alone. Didn't the others- his companions- understand that? They of all people surely must. He'd be alone until the end of time.   
He'd be alone forever, even if, even when, the other three said they had his back. He merely traveled with them. They were his friends. But he was still alone.   
It didn't go unappreciated, of course it didn't, but truly...their attempts of comfort became void and meaningless the moment words left their lips.

Thunder tore through once again, ear-splitting, threatening to open the earth.

Open the earth...

...he wished the earth would open, that it would swallow him whole and suffocate him in its darkness. Then perhaps the memories would finally fade. Perhaps...the rain would no longer bring such heart-wrenching pain, and the images burned into his inner eye would vanish...

- - - - -

_ Cho Gonou strode cheerily toward his home after leaving a class late, having been sidetracked, chattering with his eager students. Oh, how he did enjoy teaching. While the income was low, he made enough. Enough for him and his love to get by; other than money, they needed nothing but each other. It made them happy. _

_ Wasn't happiness the most important aspect of life, anyway? _

_ His steps faltered, coming across the dusty short walkway to what appeared as no more than a very humble shack. Yes, the wood bordered near rotting in some places, and the foundation was hardly failsafe-sturdy, yet...it was home. **Their** home, his home, and Kanan's home, and it would always be so. _

_ How he loved his dear, sweet Kanan. How he loved her and how she embraced the world, accepting it for everything it was, whether it be good or bad. He admired her so much for that, for something he didn't think he could so readily do._

'Tell me how a love like ours can possibly be a true sin. We are all the other has; we have nothing and no one else. My darling sister, she's never failed to take care of me while in the orphanage and now it is my turn to care for her...I will never leave her. I love her.'   
_ His heart leapt, a hand reaching the doorknob to open, not realizing that it was already slightly ajar. Nothing seemed out of place to Cho Gonou- from the outside, everything looked exactly as he'd left it that morning. _

_ Pushing the door open, Gonou called out, a broad smile lighting his youthful handsome face. _

_ "Kanan? I'm home. Sorry I'm late, I lost track of time talking with some of my students and..."_

_ Nothing more was uttered. _

_ Nothing had greeted him. _

_ Not her voice, her eyes, her smile...her face...her arms...nothing._

_ The home they had worked to keep neat and trim and decorated had fallen into shambles. _

_ Gonou managed only a single step farther, fear gripping at his heart, breath hitched in his throat. Broken glass littered the wooden floor, flowers his beloved had picked the day before were strewn not far from the shards. The end table had been overturned, their small trunk of few but precious commodities had been opened and ransacked, chairs had fallen and lay splintered...But nothing could have tore his soul more than the piece of clothing so carelessly left behind.   
Her robe, it was Kanan's robe, and she never would have simple dropped it like that. _

_ There was a struggle here, that much finally registered in his mind and finding some strength, Gonou pushed past the mess. _

_ "Kanan?! Kanan, where are you?!" He cried out hoarsely, tearing through to the small kitchen. _

_ It was the same there- disastrous. _

_ He tried their bedroom next and found it untouched and unfortunately, empty. _

_ "No...oh...God no." Gonou continued on legs of concrete to the bathroom. Empty. "Kanan?!"_

_ How he made his way outside, he'd never recall, but he'd been drawn to something there. A small crowd of the townspeople had gathered, whispering to each other, a couple trying to soothe their frightened daughter. _

_ All eyes had turned upon him and Gonou realized they knew what happened. Simply from witnessing their expressions, he _knew

_ "What's...what's happened?" He panted, still having to force the words. "Do you know where she is? Do you know where Kanan is?"_

_ They stared at him and the father of the frightened girl spoke harshly._

_ "Youkai took her! They came for my daughter, but we wouldn't let them have her!"_

_ "...what?" Gonou turned his gaze sharply to the man, speaking past the pang in his heart. His stomach formed infinite knots that tightened with every breath taken. "...took her? They took Kanan? Where? _Why?!_"_

_ "You wouldn't understand, you have no children, you have nothing like my wife and I have! Hyokugen Maoh, that's the only name I knew of, but this was the Black Crow Clan. They wanted our daughter, but you must understand we couldn't let them have her! We offered a substitute..."_

_ Gonou closed his eyes against the words. Hyokugen Maoh—that name would forever be engraved in his head. The jabbering of the townspeople no longer interested him. Their voices melded, one into the other, until all he heard was a deafening roar of nonsense. _

_ '_Those bastards. How could they? How could they just forfeit someone else's life so easily?! I'll find her. I have to find her, I can't be alone; I can't leave her alone.'

_ Fear took a backseat- anger nearly overwhelmed him. When those eyes opened to gaze upon those who'd betrayed his trust- those that had called him friend- those whose children he taught at the school- he held little more than contempt. _

_ Their faces ceased to exist. They were nothing. Blank slates of creatures that dared to call themselves human, who dared give themselves the credibility of being compassionate. _

_ Compassion played no part in this. Only greed, selfish greed to cover their own hides. _

_ Anger pounded the blood in his ears as Gonou strode back to the place he used to call home. It'd be so no longer- not until Kanan treaded ground there once again. Without her, his life would stand incomplete. _

_ Hyokugen Maoh, they'd said. _

_ The Black Crow Clan, they'd said. _

_ No more. They'd exist no more, not if Cho Gonou had anything to do with it. If he had to, he'd tear through them all to find her. His beloved._

_ His Kanan._

_ A glint of silver shone briefly in his hands before being sheathed and strapped around his calf beneath his pant leg. _

_ Where had he gotten that knife from? _

_ Hadn't she given it to him for some reason or another?_

_ Yes...he could remember now. _

_ He could hear her voice. _

_ Kanan..._

_ 'Take this Gonou; don't be so shy about it. I know you're not one for violence, but we're not exactly in the safest neighborhood, you know that.' A giggle. 'You may never need it, but please, I'd feel better if you would accept it.'_

_ He'd accepted, but later told her to keep it. _

_** He'd** feel better if she had it to protect herself. Just in case. _

_ What fucking good that did- she'd not even gone to the room she hid it in. _

_ The bedroom. Under her pillow. Where Kanan never was able to get to._

_ Gonou never even looked back as he walked out on the ruins behind him. His mission was clear, and he'd not stop until it was accomplished._

_ Hyokugen Maoh, Black Crow Clan, Hyokugen Maoh, Black Crow Clan...it became his mantra- he'd not forget it. He'd find them. He'd hunt them down to find her. _

_ His Kanan. _

_ Not theirs. _

_ They had no fucking right to touch her. To take her. To do anything to her. _

_ He'd kill the bastards just for that. And then he'd take his beloved home. _

_ But oh God- if there was a God anymore- even now, or even before this, his faith had been severely shaken- oh God, let her be alright. Let Kanan be alright, let her be untouched. _

_ Why...hadn't he been able to tell? Why couldn't he** feel** anything when they took her away?! The rage built, the frustration built on top of it, his heart beat faster, his legs moved mechanically, taking him away, taking him to her- to them. To those sons-of-bitches that took her. _

_ They'd pay. _

_ Every..._

_ Last..._

**_ Fucking..._**

_ One..._

_- - - - -_

He drew the covers up on the hard-as-a-rock mattress, pulling them to his chin, much like a frightened child. Still he watched the rain fall, watched his reflection marred by rivulets of crystalline drops painting the windowpane.

There was no escaping his past, despite running, regardless of negligence to acknowledge it ever happened.

Forgetting his past would mean forgetting Kanan, and that was just not possible.

That was one aspect he'd refused to renounce.

Her memory would stay with him for eternity.

He owed her that much. He couldn't save her, so he'd carry the weight of _her_ death until Death claimed _him_.

He'd failed Kanan.

So many fell under his hand for her sake and still he failed to save her.

Night wore on, the rain continued to fall, and God took permanent residence in the skies laughing in the form of lightning and thunder.

- - - - -

_ How far had he walked? Countless miles... _

_ How long had he plodded through towns? Eternity._

_ What he'd give to have a ride to the domain of the damned beasts that stole her away._

_ Yet nothing was more satisfactory than a job completed on one's own. _

_ A job. Was that how Cho Gonou viewed this now? He shouldn't- it was a mission, his mission, his goal- his sole purpose for existing. _

_ He promised to take care of Kanan. _

_ They said they'd never have to be alone anymore, ever again, that they'd always have each other. He meant to keep that promise. _

_ Although his legs were sore, although his feet felt as though they'd been lost somewhere miles ago, Gonou pressed on. He knew no pain save for the aching of his heart. The hole there needed to be mended and he'd not rest until it was. _

_ Someone had told him how to find the Black Crow Clan. _

_ It seemed the only time Gonou spoke was to find out information of their whereabouts, of their particular breed of youkai. The expressions of utter disbelief people gave him when he asked had not even registered. They didn't understand._

_ How could they understand?_

_ They'd go on living, go on with their happy little lives, oblivious to the pain he felt, unaware of the injustices done to him. _

_ So what the fuck did he care how they looked at him?_

_ Animosity gathered and festered, gathered and festered and grew to surround his heart. He trembled with every step in anticipation. _

_ Night had fallen covering the world in velvet darkness, as a blanket draped over the sun and now overtaking the moon. Stars dared not venture out this night for the stars wished to pay no witness to the evils that would soon occur. _

_There, below a peak, settled amidst the sloping cliff he stood upon was the holding place. The realm of the miscreants who held her prisoner. _

'Kanan...please be alright. I'll make them sorry for what they've done, for taking you, but please be alright, my love.'

_ Somehow the dagger had found its way into his hand. It felt heavy and cold, nearly too frigid to touch his skin. It bore the weight of the deeds Gonou had yet to commit, of the unthinkable. _

_ His feet shuffled from their spot, moving his lean form languidly to the decline. _

_ How eerie...that suddenly every voice in his head had quieted and left only two objectives. Find Kanan. Kill the youkai bastards. Find Kanan and kill the youkai, kill the youkai and find Kanan. Take her home, hold her in his arm; tell her that he'll never let anything like this happen again. Because they'll all be dead._

_ Dead. They'll all be dead..._

_ At the bottom of the hill, in the throng of where the demons dwelled, Cho Gonou glowered at their passing forms with such hatred that the green of his eyes had darkened to nearly coal black. The youkai took no notice to begin with. They had no idea that a human was amongst their kind. They continued their own business, the scent of their newly made enemy masked by the odiousness of rain-laden clouds. _

_ "Where is she?" Gonou growled, tremulous form slowly loping forward. "Where have you put her?" _

_ How he longed to see them scattered as broken bodies on the ground, to see them taken like the foul animals they were. A sliver of reason managed to ring louder than those murderous thoughts, however. If he killed them all, he may never know where Kanan was. How could he rescue her then?_

_ The youkai noticed him now. They all turned, one by one, to stare, to gawk. _

_ A human in their presence?_

_ A human had audacity to walk among demons so freely?_

_ He had to be stupid. _

_ Or out of his fucking mind. _

_ Perhaps both. Stupidly out of his fucking mind. _

_ If there was one thing they knew, they understood that this human was driven by the temptations of rage and blood-lust. He had it in his eyes. Such a cold, empty stare, as though Death were extending a bony hand from the shrinking soul of this human man. _

_ "Are you all deaf?! Where is she?!" Gonou shouted, panting, his chest heaving, hands furled tightly, his right one gripping the leather and rubber handle of the dagger. _

_ Yes, yes they knew who this "she" he asked for was. It'd been the very last one they'd taken, the most recent bidding they'd done for that son-of-a-bitch Hyokugen Maoh, the Centipede Demon. They didn't tell him. _

_ What could a mere human, however enraged he was, do to such a large band of demons? He was outnumbered, five-hundred plus against one. _

_ One._

_ Gonou knew he was just one. He was alone. But they would all fall under his hand. He swore it. _

_ "Have it your way." _

_ Reason and patience vanished and he lunged forward, releasing such a blood-curdling cry that the youkai actually flinched in surprise. _

_ This guy couldn't possibly be human, the way he carried on..._

_ Silver gleamed against the black night, slicing across flesh, drawing crimson that spilled onto the ground. Into the dirt, seeping into the grains until it became stained red. _

_ Their cries became stricken with despair. For a human man, he had strength they'd never encountered before. The demons begged for their lives, they attempted compromise to spare their lives, but Gonou was deaf to their plea-bargains. _

_ He only cared to see them dead._

_ He wanted them all gone, all gone- every last goddamned one. _

_ Women._

_ Children._

_ The elderly. _

_ The men. _

_ All dead, he wanted them all dead for taking away what was so precious to him. Even if Kanan was alive- ('Oh please let her be alive, let her be okay, let her be alright- I'm doing this for her, please, spare her, let me find her and bring her home...')- he'd take their lives to teach a lesson. _

_ Don't fuck with a life that isn't yours. _

_ The skies opened up and it began to rain and it didn't phase Gonou one bit. Let the rain come. Let the rain just try to wash away what he was doing, it wouldn't work. Let the lightning strike him, it'd only charge him more- let the thunder roll across the land and break it apart- nothing could stop him from achieving his goal on this night._

_ Anger spotted his vision and he carried on. Each body fallen drove him farther into his madness, **urged** him to claim more lives. Their screams became a symphony that none could escape. They used weapons against him but he retaliated and he dodged with inhuman agility. Something primal had awoken, something feral grinned and bared its razor teeth to chew its way out of him. _

_ Crimson..._

_ ...crimson ran in rivers, down the steps of their homes, spattered across the doors, smeared on his own flesh. Had they all fallen? Had he been inside every single home, had he taken every last life, had he searched everywhere? _

_** And no Kanan. **_

_ Kanan was not there. _

_ The rain persisted...and Kanan was not there._

_ Dejected, Gonou collapsed within the heap of torn bodies and threw his head back, allowing the skies to pour down upon him. It ran red off of his form, down his limbs, through his hair...it ran red for an eternity...when would it turn clear again..?_

''_Kanan...oh God, where is she? Why are you doing this to me? Where is my Kanan?"_

_ A body stirred from beneath another. A groan sounded from a horribly disfigured face- a face disfigured by Gonou. _

"_Your woman...is not here..." The voice was so raspy that the young man couldn't distinguish the gender of the youkai speaking to him._

_ His anger still lingered, though had begun to drown in lost hope. "...obviously not...tell me where she is...and maybe I'll spare your life."_

_ Not that there was anything Gonou could do to save the youkai. Why bother treating it anyway? When he left, the demon would eventually die with the others._

_ So young, though. This one...was so young, and the hope of making it alive after such a massacre lit those dying eyes._

_ "Hyokugen...Hyokugen Maoh...miles away...miles away now."_

_ "When did they take her?!" With renewed vigor, Gonou leapt to his feet. _

_ The demon's gaze became unfocused. "Miles away now...gone...day before last..." It stared at Gonou searchingly. "Please...help me..."_

_ A sneer marred the youth's blood-streaked face. "Go to hell."_

_ Naturally, after obtaining what information he'd needed, Gonou had no use for the youkai gazing so fearfully up at him. The verve of his insane anger had heightened once more, it gave him the will to seek out this...Hyokugen Maoh._

_ Gonou would find him. _

_ No matter how long it took, he'd search for the Centipede Demon._

_ If it took years, and Kanan never returned home with him- ("Please, please let her be alright. God, don't let that happen, let me find her in time...") – Gonou would hunt them down._

_ They all...would meet their demise. _

_ For to look into the face of Cho Gonou and to be the offensive youkai..._

_ ...was to look into the face of Death's impending doom._

_- - - - - _

Death's impending doom...

Was that truly what those youkai had thought of him as? He didn't know, he honestly had no way of reading their thoughts. Yet, had he been in their place...

...yes, Death's impending doom sounded about right.

And even then, he'd not been finished. What had it all been for, anyway? For one person, for one woman?

For Kanan.

_ His_ Kanan.

Had it all been worth it in the end..?

He couldn't bear to take his eyes from his own reflection in the window. Those eyes...now so filled with sorrow and grief...still carried the part of him buried deep inside of his non-existent heart.

In the end, all had been lost, and all the same...so many had died...

The sadness faded, and the memory returned, bringing with it the expression that those youkai last saw.

That expression...the one Chin Iisou, son of Hyokugen Maoh, had deemed to be the "real Cho Gonou".

The _cold-hearted_.

The _demon slayer_.

The_ sinner_.

The _murderer._

How **_twisted_**...

- - - - -

_ Days became countless. _

_ Days became weeks, long, and dreary, and fruitless. _

_ The trek to find Hyokugen Maoh had begun to take its toll on Cho Gonou. _

_ He hadn't even known where to begin looking, and this time people refused to aid him with directions. They saw the wild gleam of madness in those dulling green eyes, they were repelled and repulsed by his appearance._

_ The handsome youth fell apart pieces at a time, but he would not, could not give up. He'd never give up. He would not just lie down and die. _

_ His dreams were no longer such. Only nightmares violated his sleep, what little he got, and Kanan's voice called out to him. She still lived- only just, but she still lived. She waited for him, waited...and cried._

_ She was alone, and so was Gonou._

_ He had to find her. They couldn't be alone anymore. That'd been their promise to each other._

_ He ate sometimes. He drank sometimes. He did change, he did bathe, but all that had not truly mattered to him. He did it only if to wash away whatever bade others to refuse to help him._

_ It did no good at all. They thought him crazy._

_ Fuck them._

_ He didn't need them. _

_ He'd find Kanan himself, he would, he had to. _

_ She was afraid. Alone and afraid. She needed him. _

_ For two long months Cho Gonou sought out his beloved. For two torturous months he ached to take her in his arms after cutting down that monster who kept her so well hidden away._

_ His mind worked as a machine, preset for few purposes, programmed only to obtain his precious and to bring down those who'd frightened her._

_ The machine soon got its wish. _

_ Another night...so very much like the one two months before...the air thickened ominously and the grayed clouds hung low in the horizon. _

_ "A storm brews to undo what's yet to be done. She's here...I know she's here...and now it's their turn to die."_

_ He skipped pleasantries this time. What use would it be, Gonou could simply feel Kanan's presence, lurking somewhere within the confines of the empire of Hyokugen Maoh. _

_ The same blood-lust possessed Gonou, from the time of the first blood spilled on the youkai's home ground he only yearned for more. Each body felled was done for the sake of Kanan, to make up for what ordeal she had been forced to live through – (Alive, she's got to be alive, please let her be alive even after all this time!) – And the piercing shrieks of those he killed did nothing but encourage._

_ A flash from above showed the way to the main holding- the "palace" of Hyokugen Maoh. The lightning showed Gonou where he must go to find her. As the ground shuddered beneath him, he took deliberate steps, ascending the wooden stairs to the entrance. _

_ Youkai greeted him, each prepared to defend themselves against the blood soaked intruder, armed with their weapons. Gonou smiled cruelly. _

_ "My, my...a welcoming party. You really shouldn't have." _

_ His voice lilted sadistically as he thrust himself into the youkai awaiting his assault. Their weapons meant nothing, they were useless, and he pitted their own energy against them. This youkai lost an arm; that one shoved into its own blade, another raised and pinned to the wall with its own dagger through the mouth and the back of its skull. _

_ They screamed._

_ They fought._

_ They died. _

_ And their blood garnished their halls so **very** nicely. _

_ He found himself before their king, before their leader, this Hyokugen Maoh who appeared so calm. They faced each other, stared each other down, Centipede Demon against Mortal Man...and in a few blurs of crimson tinted silver metal it was over. _

_ The blackened red blood of that particular youkai stained the wood deeply...Gonou imagined the stain would never come up. _

_ All had been silenced...the cries ceased and save for the vicious storm outside there was nothing. _

_ Calmly, as though nothing had happened, he pressed on. _

_ How odd, how easily he found the door that led to the dungeons. A rank odor met his nostrils, something far worse than the metallic stench of the blood which covered him, but he couldn't place it. The stone walls were cob-webbed, the stairs were rickety, barrels and crates lined one side and on the other...barred doors. Prison cells._

_ Gonou felt a surge of anxiety._

_ "Kanan?" The first human sounds he'd uttered since the beginning of his second atrocity. _

_ Nothing. _

_ He went on, taking tentative footfalls, reduced to the quiet and shy schoolteacher he once was. Just a human. Just Cho Gonou._

_ "Kanan?" He called once more, and this time something stirred. _

_ From the third cell, pale hands wrapped around the bars and a face meekly pulled forward. _

_ She gazed at him, so bewildered, so disbelieving. _

_ His voice cracked. "Kanan...oh, Kanan you're alive..."_

_ Never had he felt such relief. He'd not searched in vain, he'd not taken too long, he had found her, and she was alive. _

_ "Gonou? Gonou, my Gonou, is that you?"_

_ He fell to his knees, dropping the dagger to the cement floor, wrapping his own hands around the bars, forgetting to find the lock to release her. His eyes had started to tear up, the salty liquid burning his skin but held off from falling down his cheeks._

_ "My Gonou...what happened to you?" Kanan could hardly begin to comprehend. _

_ "It doesn't matter, I'm fine my dear...I'm here to take you home. We can go home now, I'm here to save you Kanan."_

_ She smiled and her beautiful green eyes lit up for a fleeting moment. "I'm so sorry..."_

_ He didn't understand. _

_ "It's alright, Kanan, nobody can hurt you anymore. We can go home...I'll take you home, and I promise this will never happen again. We'll never be apart like this, I swear it."_

_ He didn't understand..._

_ ...how did she get his dagger? Why was she holding his knife?_

_ "Kanan..?"_

_ She stood away from the bars that contained her. "Gonou...I'm so sorry...but I can't go home with you."_

_ Gonou shoved an arm between the iron poles. He couldn't reach her. "Kanan...please give me the knife, please! We can go home, okay? Let's just go home!"_

_ So far away, she stood so far away. Her smile became tearful. "I'm so sorry, Gonou, I can't. The child...the child of that monster grows within me now...I'm spoiled for you. I'm ruined for you. I can't go home with you, my Gonou, I'm so sorry, but I can't!"_

_ Her shrill voice cut him. _

_ He realized what she meant to do. _

_ "No...no, Kanan, please! Let's just go home!"_

_ Horror. _

_ Oh the **horror**. _

_ She smiled at him as crystalline tears ran down her pallid cheeks. "I'm so sorry..." she whispered. "I love you, my Gonou..."_

_ Those were her last words. She cut herself._

_ Her blood flowed out as quickly as the blood of the youkai he'd slain. _

_ She fell and crimson pooled her form, staining the yellow dress clinging to her body. He so loved that dress...it'd been Kanan's favorite, too._

_ And now it was ruined. _

_ And now she was dead._

_ "K...Kanan...Kanan?" He stammered. He wouldn't accept it. She couldn't be gone, not after everything he'd done! "KANAN!!!!" _

_ Gonou shrank back from the cell, eyes wide, threatening to pop out and roll away. He wished they would. He wished he hadn't been forced to see what'd just happened. _

'Oh God...what the hell just happened, what the _fuck_ just happened?! Oh God...God...my Kanan...'

_ But here God had no place. God did not listen. God..._

_ ...God did nothing. _

_ Not one...damn...thing._

_ "Oh...is she dead? Well, good..."_

_ Some voice. Whose voice? _

_ Gonou looked and there stood a youkai. A youkai he'd missed, a youkai he'd failed to murder. A youkai who glowered with such hatred for the man before him..._

_ "I heard about you. You're Cho Gonou...the demon slayer. Her lover, aren't you?" the youkai mocked him relentlessly. "Wasn't she your sister? My, my...to think your first woman was your older sister! Tsk...isn't it unhealthy for siblings to **do** that sort of thing?"_

_ "Shut up..." His heart constricted. Gonou found his back pressed against the bars of Kanan's cell. Oh his poor, dear, sweet Kanan... "Shut the hell up!!" _

_ "That is no way to speak to the last standing member of the Hyokugen Maoh clan, now is it?" The taunting again... "You've slaughtered so many...I wonder just how many. Don't you know the old tale? If a human were to bathe in the blood of one thousand demons, he becomes a demon himself."_

_ Gonou knew the tale. _

_ He'd just never taken it seriously. _

_ He had more important issues at hand. But no more. No longer..._

_ ...his Kanan was dead. _

_ Didn't she know...didn't she know he'd have taken her back anyhow? Didn't she know it wasn't her fault? That she wasn't ruined, that he loved her all the same?! _

_** Didn't she?!**_

_ Why didn't she..?_

_ The youkai snarled and raised one of his clawed hands over his exposed forearm. "Why don't we find out just how many you've killed, Cho Gonou..? Why don't we find out...if the theory is true..?"_

_ "Shut UP!" Gonou cried, gathering his strength, his fury, his despair, all into one hit, all into destroying the monster before him. His hand pushed clear through the youkai's chest, something he never could have accomplished without the adrenaline that empowered him. _

_ He wanted this youkai dead. He wanted the youkai gone. He couldn't have Kanan back, but he couldn't allow this youkai to live. _

_ And now this youkai's blood dripped down his arm._

_ "Fool...you...are a fool." The demon grinned maliciously and cackled even as his life faded. "I guess it's true after all, Cho Gonou..." Something sharp stabbed Gonou deep in the belly and the youkai laughed again. "Now die, Cho Gonou...and join your beloved older sister. **Sinner**."_

_ Pain. _

_ Unbelievable white hot pain seared through Gonou, cutting his body in a thousand different places, tearing him apart. He pulled his arm free of the youkai, leaving him to die. He staggered and screamed as his head pounded, as he heard the echoes of every soul he murdered roiling in the same unbearable pain he felt. _

_ His limbs ached, his mouth hurt, his hands, his feet, his arms, chest, and legs, **everything** felt on fire. And when it was over, when the pain had subsided, Gonou acknowledged the change. _

_ The theory had been true. _

_ His fingers – (Oh how Kanan loved his hands...loved his fingers...) – blood stained and cracked, had been elongated by perilously sharp nails._

_ His teeth...his hair...his ears...they'd changed drastically so. _

_ He felt stronger. He felt unbeatable. _

_ Unbeatable as a mere mortal..._

_ ...impossible now...as a youkai. _

_ A youkai. Cho Gonou was no longer a man, but one of the very monsters he had fought and killed. One of them._

_ Cho Gonou the demon slayer. _

_ Cho Gonou the youkai. _

_ Cho Gonou...one of those that Kanan had feared. One of those he had so despised. _

_ One of them. _

_ And as he stumbled free of the blood filled halls of the treacherous youkai, Gonou felt the rain pouring over him. The lightning lent him enough light to guide him toward the forest despite his pain, despite his condition._

_ The blood that flowed now was that of Cho Gonou, from a devastating wound dealt by the son of Hyokugen Maoh. The one who'd lent his blood to assist in this transformation. _

_ Gonou went only as far as his legs could manage. He didn't notice when the three silver cuffs had adorned his left ear to limit his new youkai strength. He didn't even notice when his legs stopped working and his form lay sprawled in the mud, his skin torn open._

_ Death. _

_ Had Death finally come to take him?_

_ Maybe now...maybe now he could be with his Kanan..._

_ And as he looked up from his place on the ground, Cho Gonou found only crimson staring back at him. Crimson like the blood he had spilled one thousand times. _

'Oh God...just let me die.'

_ But God had no place here._

_ God...only looked down...and laughed. _

_- - - - - _

Sleep finally relented. He rested now, albeit fitfully, curled against the wall, huddled beneath the coarse blankets of the bed.

The rain had ceased, the thunder could no longer find a place it hadn't disturbed, and the lightning could no longer light up the skies to bring wicked memories.

Morning would come quickly, but he'd sleep while he could.

And when he woke up, he would stash Cho Gonou once more in the deepest recesses of his mind and merely be whom everyone knew him.

Cho Hakkai.


End file.
